I’m an only child. Yeah, I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister. All of which have me by at least 13 years. I’m the baby of the bunch. They have pretty much been out of the house/apartment since I was running around wreaking havoc in elementary school. That’s not enough evidence? Ok, I’m the only child of the marriage between my parents. I’m not getting drafted to war because of it. Well, that or my flat feet or my asthma. Take your pick. Regardless, I think I’ve made my point. Anybody who thoroughly knows me can tell I’m an only child, especially if they have siblings. I often hear “Your selfish” and “Stop bitching. Take one for the team” and “You’re not ride or die.” That’s cool. I can live with that. I considered making a list of things that Only Children Don’t Like, but figured I would offend some people along the way. Rather than deal with a Molotov Cocktail Bomb flying through my window, I’ve decided to make a much more humorous list of Things That Only Children Like. They are in no particular order. Your barely legal sister isn’t necessarily one of them.

1. Not Sharing food when we’re hungry.

Usually when I get food or make food, I’m quick to eat it before people can even smell it. I go into defense mode when I’m hungry. Subtle comments like “What you got there Slim?” or “That smells good.” will usually be met by a cut and dry “Yep”. If I go as far as saying “Yeah, do you want to try some?”, It probably means I’m already full, it doesn’t taste that good, or I accounted for your presence before I got the food.

2. People asking before taking our stuff.

I find that people with siblings have little problem with others not asking before borrowing, eating, and pilfering their stuff. This one burns me up. Whether it’s coming back to my desk and seeing my altoid container popped open, or coming home to a surprisingly empty container of orange juice. All I ask, is that people ask. I’ll usually say yes to whatever you’re asking for, if it’s reasonable. You will not be eating the last scoop of ice cream or the left over shrimp. Doing such will usually be punishable with an unpleasant conversation and scolding.

3. Not taking one for the team just for the sake of proving ride or dieness.

I know my personality. I hate going places where I know I’m not going to have a good time, or I’m too tired. I’m doing everybody a favor by not making the trip. I commonly get this one from people. My health and mental well-being come before proving a point. I’d rather prick my finger for a drop of blood than go somewhere I don’t wanna go just for the sake of proving a point. What makes this worse is last minute requests. You will more than likely be met with an unpleasant attitude unless your request is deemed reasonable (i.e. You had sex the night before and the condom turned into a turtleneck and you need to get to Planned Parenthood ASAP).

4. Not cleaning up messes we didn’t make or advocate.

Crusty plates. Overflowing trashcans with food scraps I didn’t produce. Used C’s. Beer bottles. Pizza boxes. Bodily fluids. Alcohol covered floor. None of these will be cleaned by a true only child without having participated in creating the mess. If we do assist in cleaning, we will complain. More than likely we will leave right around the time people start talking about cleaning.

Now this is just a short list of things. In the interest of keeping this entry respectable, I’ve decided to end it here. Should I get feedback to continue with the list, I most certainly will. But until then, try not to piss one of us off Ok?

Ahhh, the liberation of an anonymous blog that can’t be located by co-workers and managers! Some of you who link into this will know who I am, just from the way I go about writing. I’m hoping that this new blog will be everlasting and increasingly popular. At some point I plan to start designing the site to make it less bland. I’m also going to be running this same blog on another popular blogging website to see which site generates more activity. I’m familiar with the WordPress format, but we will see what the fans think and what the functionality is like when I do compare and contrast.

Now I do indeed have a point to this entry! First things first, f*ck all those people who try to say that blogging is immature and putting one’s business into the streets. If that’s the case, please do not frequent my page and cause my site views/hits to increase daily. Thanks. Secondly, I do this because I enjoy writing and I know a lot of people can sympathize with what I have to say on some level. Saying that people write blogs because they need attention is…well…asinine. People should be allowed to express themselves however they want, within reason of course. Very rarely will you see me slamming someone personally with a string of vulgarities. I save that kinda stuff for in person!

Nonetheless, I’m happy to get this off the ground. Stay with me over the next few months as the site develops. I’ll do my best to keep it interesting. If I’m starting to suck, let me know in a tactful manner. Otherwise, I’ll probably just ignore you and make subtle comments about you in an entry that contradict what I just said in the last paragraph (Sike). Until next time, Slim Jackson bids you adieu!