“The Happening” is not happening. Plain and simple, it is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I am far from a horror movie fan, but even this cheesy flick disappointed and caused a lot more laughter than actual jumps, shouts, frets, and sweats. Everything they have shown in the commercials is the extent of the effedupness in the movie. Throw in an old lady with a serious anger problem who likes to bash her head through windows, and you have a slight bit of excitement and heart pounding action. Mark Wahlberg was the ultimate bitch in this movie. Imagine him in a whiny voice saying something like “C’mon Jimmy. We gotta get outta here.” That is pretty much him for the duration of the film. Spoiler Warning: I am going to discuss the cause of the suicides in the movie. Since everybody should take my advice and stay away from the movie, you should keep reading.

The earth’s trees, grass, and flowers are responsible for releasing an airborne toxin that messes up people’s brains and leads them to kill themselves. Now I think as a concept, it’s a pretty good idea for a “what if this happened?” discussion. But the actual execution of this, and the most awful dialogue in movie history ruin any possibility of this becoming a summer time hit. The only good lines in this movie come when a young black kid, who eventually gets his brains blown out, is advising Wahlberg on how to handle his woman. The theater erupted in laughter and the frowns turned to smiles at least for a little while before slipping back into disappointment.

Shyamalan-a-ding-dong really did himself in on this one. I can’t stress it enough. The only thing gory about this movie was the fact that Al Gore probably executive produced it on the low. The references to mother nature and the abuse of earth’s vegetation resources are clumsily tied in and discussed until the end. Such is life though. You win some, you lose some. I think everyone in that theater lost 10+ bucks.