C’mon Earl. You gotta get it together. Over the last few months you have been in court for a variety of new and old offenses. You don’t even dress yourself in clean clothes. I know you’re 37 years old, and you haven’t made a rap song in what seems like forever. You still need to take care of yourself so that you don’t look like a bum in all your mugshots. Seriously Earl, you look like one of the individuals I see sleeping in the park everyday on the way to work. How do you go from this…

Crisp and Clean DMX

To this…

Bum Ass DMX

I couldn’t even help you get a manual labor job with you looking like that. I know you gotta have some money left. I find it hard to believe that after all the CD sales and movies you’ve appeared in, that you’re more broke than MC Hammer. I mean, did you really spend all your money on houses, drugs, and pit bulls? We know you didn’t spend it all on your entourage. You seem to only be getting arrested by yourself. And now I gotta read that you just used a fake name and skipped out on a medical bill at a hospital! What’s going on with you?! I knew something was off with the way you used to be all angry and bark recklessly (Nothing is wrong with barking though. I do it sometimes myself for a pretty well-known reason.). I hope you haven’t resorted to doing that for money in the streets. I’m sure people wouldn’t even recognize you if you did. Do you have any explanation for yourself?

Sometimes I get a lil confused Slim...sniffle.

Confused? Will you stop staring at me with that blank ass look on your face! Shower, shave, put on some deodorant and clean clothes, and a very small amount of cologne. Earl, we are going to turn your life around. We need to get you back on the right track before you end up on a VH-1 celeb-reality show. Perhaps you already have. Nonetheless, get dressed Earl! Today we are going to find you a job!